First, I would like to have a little disclaimer. I don't want this blog to be some "debbie downer" blog. I am not the type to write about how my life sucks on my blog or facebook. That is not the time, nor the place.
I have just been thinking a lot about purpose lately. Surprisingly, when I share my feelings with people, they confess to me that they feel the same way.
That makes me sad. I think there are a lot more people who feel like their lives have no purpose than we realize.
What I am talking about is trying to figure out what my purpose in life is. Currently, my purpose is to wake up everyday and go to work to make money to spend on myself. What kind of life is that? That's not fulfilling at all. There isn't anybody in my world who I feel couldn't carry on without me. If that is the case, what is my purpose? What is the point of me even existing if I honestly don't really matter or make a difference? Sure, I try to contribute to society by being hard working, healthy, attending church, etc, etc...but when it all comes down to it...it doesn't make any sense to me that I am alive when others who died before me had people they needed to live for. People who depended on them, and can't live without them.
I always thought that my purpose was to love others with all my heart. Let people know how much they matter and how much I care about them. I thought my purpose was to be the person who made others glad that they were who they were.
Until every time I opened up and loved people unconditionally, for some reason, I get cut out of those people's lives with no explanation. That is honestly what keeps me awake at night, making my mind race. What did I do? Why should I openly love if it actually doesn't really matter or make a difference? I am not talking about just one instance or person. I can name like 5 people off the top of my head who just decided to cut me out of their lives once I decided to hand my entire heart over to them and love them unconditionally. Which brings me back to my initial thought: what's the point? What's my purpose if my love doesn't make a difference? If my love isn't what anybody needs to enhance their happiness?
I know, I know...just because people hurt you, you shouldn't cut yourself off and stop loving. But do you tell someone who was the only survivor of a fatal airplane crash to get back on an airplane and fly across the Atlantic Ocean the next day? Absolutely not. I hope to be able to openly love others again. I hope one day my love is appreciated and matters. I hope one day I will look back and understand why those people decided to cut me out of their lives for no reason at all.
For now, I will just continue to be a crazy insomniac and hide behind work and running :)
On the bright side, work and running are actually going really well!