Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Real Talk: Recovery Can Suck

When I first got sober (7 MONTHS!!), I thought that I had to LOVE recovery. I thought that after a certain amount of time, it would just be a way of life and I wouldn't ever think about using prescription pills as a means of escape. Lately, I have realized that recovery isn't always happy and great all the time. There are still ups and downs. There are still times where I wonder if I will ever stop having so many triggers and cravings. Yes, over time, the triggers and cravings slow down over time for sure, but they never go away completely. I have noticed that the longer I stay sober, the more on top of things I need to stay. You can't ever let your guard down, and need to respect addiction for what it is and what it can do to your soul and your life and that's okay. I have realized that some days I can say that recovery totally sucks and that is completely okay. I don't have to always love it or be happy. Yes, my life has improved immensely since I got treatment last November, but that doesn't mean that it has to be great all the time. I just know that I have tried and failed when it comes to using drugs to escape. It is an experiment that I know the outcome of and never want to go back to for sure, which is why I stay sober. But, I can say that it is the hardest thing I have ever done and continue to do. The hardest and most uncomfortable things in life are the most rewarding, which is exactly what recovery is. It's not this amazing, fun, happy experience. It's hard, emotionally draining, and tough to stay on top of- which is why addicts need to continually stay on top of their own recovery program and recognize that nobody in recovery is safe. It's a lifelong process that I continually look forward to growing and improving each and every day. I can't say that I am going to stay sober for the rest of my life, that is something that no addict can commit to. BUT, every day, I can wake up and say I am going to go to bed sober tonight and be okay with that logic. I just want others to know that I am not perfect in recovery. I don't always have good times. Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and go back to my old ways, even though I know it's not a solution. 

In other news, trail running has been AMAZING lately! I am so glad that I have finally been able to manage my back pain and return to a sport that I absolutely love!

Lately, I have been getting back into weight training. When I ran my first marathon, I was in the best shape of my life. This was because I combined weight training with cardio. I absolutely HATE weight training and would rather run all day every day, but I know that if I want to accomplish my goals, I need to give the weights some lovin too!

I love that my parents have a home gym. Definitely a MUST in my dream home!

My mom gave me her old magic bullet and I am stoked on all of the protein shakes I can make now! It's the only way I can get food in my stomach in the mornings.

Self Timer on iphone- Best thing that ever happened to me!

This is my "I'm 7 months sober and hardcore" pose!

I am in love with the fact that I live so close to Snowbird and can play on these trails all year long!

So there you have it. If you are in recovery and thinking that I make it look easy and fun, I want to tell you that's not the case, it's hard and can suck sometimes. However, I do choose to live my life of sobriety in faith and love for myself, rather than in fear that I may fail. Living in fear is just not an option for me, I already know that outcome!

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