Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Rock Bottom

Over the course of 2013, I thought I hit rock bottom about a dozen times. I would feel the effects of the mistakes that I was making and vow to change. I would vow that I hated the drugs and wasn't ever going to take them anymore. In the addiction world, this is called "white knuckling it" and it rarely works. I was convinced that I didn't need therapy or rehab to change, I was strong enough to do it on my own. After my scary overdose, I  was absolutely convinced that I didn't need any rehab, I was never going to take drugs again. That lasted about 2 weeks before I took more. After that, I decided I couldn't white knuckle any longer, but I didn't want to live in rehab- so I compromised and began the day treatment program at Turning Point. 

The day treatment program started out great! I loved being able to go home and have my afternoons and evenings available to do what I wanted to do. But, about a week into the program, I found myself driving to the pharmacy on my way home and picking up some more drugs. 

That Tuesday, I took half a bottle of Soma. After that, I decided that rehab wasn't for me and I wasn't ready to give up the drugs. Over the course of the next 3 days, I took a total of 60 pills. One night, my therapist even came over and sat with me just to make sure I didn't die or have a seizure or anything. It was an intense few days. 

So here I was: a rehab drop out. I pushed everyone close to me away and hid in my house gulping down pill after pill for the next 72 hours. This was what my life had come to and I didn't see a way out.

Then, something crazy happened. I was laying on my couch in a daze and I saw two VERY CLEAR paths in front of me. One path was death. The other path was life. Shaking and crying, I reluctantly called my sister, parents, and therapist to come to my house. 

I chose the harder path: Life. I told them that it was time to get help and I was going to do whatever it takes to get better. I called my boss and quit my job, so that I wouldn't use my job as an excuse to leave rehab early. I was fully committed to getting better. 

From that point forward, I worked my butt off. I worked harder than I have ever worked for something in my entire life. I didn't spend any time thinking about the outside world and I rarely even called family or friends, because I was so focused on the program and the process of getting better. 

I am so grateful that I hit rock bottom. I am even more grateful that even when death seemed like the easier choice for me, I decided to choose life. 

Even now, during early recovery, I have to choose life every single day. Recovery really sucks. You have to really want it, because detoxing  makes me really sick probably about 85% of the time. Some days I sleep all day, because my body is healing. Sometimes I randomly throw up. I have a really hard time remembering thing sometimes, because my brain is healing. Some days it really seems like it would be easier to just use again, but I know that's the addiction talking, not me. It's too hard for me to say that I will never do drugs ever again, but I CAN say that I won't take drugs today. 

Sorry, this post was really long, but I really wanted to document this while it's so fresh in my mind. Thank you so much for all the love and support, it really means the world to me. 

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