Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Fully Committed

So since I have been out of rehab, I relapsed one night a few weeks ago. I had one Dr. left that didn't know I was an addict and would still call in my drug of choice about once a month. 

On a particularly hard day, I called the Dr. and within 30 minutes got 30 of the meds I wanted- it was that easy. I even was able to take just the prescribed amount. The scary thing is that even by just taking the prescribed dose, I blacked out for almost 24 hours. That was my body's way of telling me that even on the prescribed dosage, my body could no longer handle this medicine in my body. 

Crap hit the fan. My boss knew and was furious because I was in no shape to drive to work. My day count had to start all over. Everything I worked for over the past few months just ended in that split second. When I relapse, I have a REALLY hard time with the shame that follows. I have a really hard time climbing out of that shame hole.  But I did. I just learned a very important lesson: drugs weren't fun anymore. There was nothing fun about that relapse. I didn't even get high. I just completely blacked out right after I took the medicine. Taking them didn't solve my problems or make my day better. BUT, over the past few weeks, I still couldn't call that particular doctor and tell him that I was an addict and not to call in those drugs or any drugs like those ones anymore. 

Until yesterday. Yesterday, I finally called him and said no more. I decided not to leave that door open any more. It was too easy to get them when my addictive brain hit full gear. I finally committed to sobriety for good and it seriously feels like a million pounds are lifted off my shoulders. 

I won't be perfect at recovery, and I'm not even sure what that would look like. Recovery is messy. A lot of trial and error. There's no specific set of rules. I always cry to my therapist and say, "If you would just tell me what to do, then I will do it- I will follow the specific path and pass the final exam at the end!" She always gently reminds me that's not the case. It looks different for everyone. I have no idea what my recovery will look like, but I do know that I had a huge victory this week by closing that final door with that last Dr. 

Here's to many many more mistakes, even more lessons learned, and EVEN MORE victories!

1 comment:

  1. Kelli, So I have been catching up on your blog posts and wanted to tell you that although I was completely shocked to find out about your addiction I want you to know that I appreciate you sharing your story and I am proud of your progress and your strength! You may recall that my older brother died of a drug overdose 9 1/2 years ago. He was 26 years old. He was a good man, but his addiction proved to be bigger than him. Keep proving that you are bigger than your addiction! My brother tried alcohol for the first time at the age of 18 and was almost instantly an addict. He quickly progressed to harder and harder substances and struggled with heroin for a few years before his death. He had been clean for about 6 months at the time of his death. About 2 weeks before he died he relapsed. We found out about the relapse the day before he died. This had happened several times over the years, but this time was his longest time being clean and he had made so much progress. We will never know if he intentionally overdosed to kill himself or not - but, I believe it is highly likely due to the shame he had over the relapse. He knew my mom knew, but she hadn't confronted him yet and I think he couldn't face it. I just wanted to tell you that as heartbreaking and shameful as a relapse is, your family and friends will never give up on you and would much rather keep fighting this by your side then to not have you in their life. Don't ever let that shame win, don't let it be the reason to give up! Keep taking it one day at a time and remember that each day is a new day offering a fresh start. And keep blogging and being honest - I think you can help and inspire others and keep yourself accountable, too. So glad I got the chance to know you and I wish you the best.
    -Stephanie Hanson