So since I have been out of rehab, I relapsed one night a few weeks ago. I had one Dr. left that didn't know I was an addict and would still call in my drug of choice about once a month.
On a particularly hard day, I called the Dr. and within 30 minutes got 30 of the meds I wanted- it was that easy. I even was able to take just the prescribed amount. The scary thing is that even by just taking the prescribed dose, I blacked out for almost 24 hours. That was my body's way of telling me that even on the prescribed dosage, my body could no longer handle this medicine in my body.
Crap hit the fan. My boss knew and was furious because I was in no shape to drive to work. My day count had to start all over. Everything I worked for over the past few months just ended in that split second. When I relapse, I have a REALLY hard time with the shame that follows. I have a really hard time climbing out of that shame hole. But I did. I just learned a very important lesson: drugs weren't fun anymore. There was nothing fun about that relapse. I didn't even get high. I just completely blacked out right after I took the medicine. Taking them didn't solve my problems or make my day better. BUT, over the past few weeks, I still couldn't call that particular doctor and tell him that I was an addict and not to call in those drugs or any drugs like those ones anymore.
Until yesterday. Yesterday, I finally called him and said no more. I decided not to leave that door open any more. It was too easy to get them when my addictive brain hit full gear. I finally committed to sobriety for good and it seriously feels like a million pounds are lifted off my shoulders.
I won't be perfect at recovery, and I'm not even sure what that would look like. Recovery is messy. A lot of trial and error. There's no specific set of rules. I always cry to my therapist and say, "If you would just tell me what to do, then I will do it- I will follow the specific path and pass the final exam at the end!" She always gently reminds me that's not the case. It looks different for everyone. I have no idea what my recovery will look like, but I do know that I had a huge victory this week by closing that final door with that last Dr.
Here's to many many more mistakes, even more lessons learned, and EVEN MORE victories!