Lately, I have been told that I seem more like myself, look so healthy, look really happy, my story is so inspirational, etc.
I really really appreciate those comments, because the honest truth is that recovery is REALLY hard. I recently told my friend that I feel like I am walking around with a loaded gun to my head every single day that whispers to me all the reasons why it should go off.
Every day I have to tell myself, "I am not using drugs today." That mantra is probably said once an hour at this point.
I am once again 30 days sober. It feels SO good to make it this far. At the same time, sometimes instead of feeling like I am 30 days away from my relapse, I feel like I am 30 days closer to my next relapse. That's the honest truth.
Everything triggers me:
Certain hoodies I always wore when I was high.
Jamba juice/Naked Juice- I always drank these when using, because the high vitamin C enhances most drugs.
A LOT of songs that I would listen to.
Sometimes I attach myself to a lot of chaos so that I can use the high stress as an excuse. I tell myself I deserve to check out for a day or two.
If I think of a certain memory or read a blog/journal post that reminds me of using.
Driving past Walgreens.
Certain movies that talk about or involve prescription drug use.
So there's just a few examples. The list goes on and on.
My point is this: Sometimes every single minute of every single day I have to stand up and say that I am not going to go down that path. I'm not fixed. I am definitely out of the woods, but I will always have to be on guard. I can't be lazy with my recovery plan. I always plan something positive to do each day and spend time with positive people so that I can keep myself safe.
I have started to write my book. I have six months. Wish me luck!