This might be one of the most controversial posts on this blog that I have ever written, but it is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I always pride myself on not being a "fake blogger", only showing the happy and perfect glimpses of my life, but rather being authentic and real and showing people who I really am and what I believe.
I haven't been an active member of the LDS church since November. So about 5 months. It has been really hard. It has been hard to understand why I have chosen my actions and what I really believe and what path I want my life to go down. Lately, I have been working on a number of things to live a fuller and happier life. One of the things I have been working on is not being judgmental, but rather thinking of things as "ineffective" or "effective". Things aren't necessarily right or wrong, but rather effective or ineffective for people on an individual basis, not a group basis like society teaches.
For me, at this point, actively going to church is ineffective. I truly believe that one should go to church to enhance their relationship with an unconditionally loving higher power. For me, church makes me feel like a failure. Like I am not good enough, and if I do everything on my checklist: go to church, read my scriptures, say my prayers, etc..I will find true happiness. For me, I found emptiness. I found myself beating myself up for not being perfect enough or not doing everything on the checklist good enough, and until I did everything perfectly...I wouldn't be truly happy. Church was INEFFECTIVE for me at that point.
Do I believe there are a lot of REALLY great things about the church? No doubt. Do I believe in a higher power and the EFFECTIVENESS of having a relationship with God? Absolutely. Do I believe in loving and accepting others with no judgment because you really don't have the full story in front of you? 100%. There are so many great things about the church, and I hope to one day go to church and learn and grow and feel that my relationship with God is stronger and more solid.
For me, right now, I am working on building that relationship in other ways that is more effective. I feel lighter. I feel more worthy. I feel more loved.
Am I going to go out and get wasted and have lots of sex and be bitter towards the church? Absolutely not. I am going to learn to love my imperfect self and feel deserving of God's unconditional love towards me. I am going to love myself, so that I can fully love others and accept their love. I am going to serve and help others feel worthy and loved. I am going to live a life full of happiness and fulfillment, even when life throws a million crap-sandwiches my way. I am excited and feel that this isn't the wrong way of doing things, this is the effective way for me at this point. Maybe one day going to church will be effective, maybe it won't. It's not a matter of if it's right or wrong, rather effective or ineffective for each individual spirit.
Kind of a cool way of living a non-judgmental life huh?