Monday, October 18, 2010

Kelli Young Revealed

Normally, I don't put things on my Facebook or Blog to show my depressed feelings. I only show the happy ones and how great my life is. Because it is 99% of the time. But right now, on this night, I am having a hard time. After reading "Disease called perfection" I realized that I needed to start being REAL. So this is me being real tonight. Here is a letter I just wrote to Byron.

Dear Byron,

The past 5 years have been some pretty tough ones. From the day that you left this earth, I have been a completely different person. For good and for bad. I have been that angry, sad, depressed, and lonely person sometimes. Other times, I have been on top of the world feeling like I have so much more clarity and knowledge from your death. Because you died, I have had to make some intense decisions. Is this too hard that it will totally crush me? Sometimes I feel like it is. Should I just give up and do things that might hurt my body, but will numb the pain for awhile? Will I ever be able to love and open up my heart again? Because, I haven't opened up my heart since you died. It terrifies me to. It means people will see who I really am. I am still soooo messed up and shaken up from your death 5 years later. I am still very angry that you had to go and don't understand why your daughter will never get to know you. I am upset that you get to be on the other side doing missionary work, while I am stuck on earth feeling extremely alone at times. I miss you so much. I miss having my best friend to talk to and get advice from. I miss all the fun times we had and the laughs. I miss the feeling of you. I miss that safety net I would feel knowing that no matter who I become, you would NEVER love me any less. There are very few people in this world that I open up to about whats going on in my head. Then you left. Think I am a little terrified to open up to someone with that fear that I will lose them as well? So where do I go from here? Does life magically just get better without you in it? Because I can't see that happening and I can't see myself EVER being okay with you not being here. That dark hole will always be there no matter what I try to fix it with. I guess there really is no answer except to carry on with faith. Faith that I will see you again and you will give me a big hug and kiss on the forehead like you always did. Faith that maybe someone will understand me enough that I might feel that safety net again and open up and love again. Faith that each day will get a little better. Faith that one day I will have understanding of who I am supposed to become as a result of your death. Faith that it really will workout somehow in the end. I wish you never had to go and I wish I knew why. I wish there was someone out there who remotely understood and could help take this pain away. Even just for this next week. I wish things turned out differently for you Byron, because I can't stand living in a world where you don't exist.

Much Love,


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