Saturday, March 29, 2014

Road to Rehab 4: The Week Before Rehab

My last relapse before checking into residential treatment is something I will never forget. 

On my way home from day treatment, I immediately went to Walgreens and picked up a bottle of soma. I took 6 and then went down to my parents. That night, my mom was hosting a relief society dinner so I decided to go. Before the dinner, the soma was wearing off, so I took 4 more. After, I went to my parents house and cried to my mom about my struggles and fears. Going to rehab, you open a huge can of demons. Since I wasn't in a controlled environment and still had some freedom, I immediately coped the same way I always have: drugs. After I talked to my mom, I began making my way home. I took 6 more soma and then broke down. I couldn't believe that I had just taken 16 somas in one evening and I was completely hopeless. 

I ended up showing up at my friend's doorstep bawling. I gave her the pill bottles that I had in my car and she took me to my parents. I had so much shame. How did it come to this? I slept at their house that night and then the next morning instead of going back to the rehab, I went straight back to the pharmacy and got a bottle of 30 tramadol. I took 10 and passed out. 

The rehab called me and told me that I would need to check into their residential program. I said there was absolutely no way that I would agree to this. They respected my decision and didn't push it any further. 

I was so low and so angry with myself. I didn't even last one week in out patient treatment. I was never going to change or get better. I called my doctor and got 15 more fiouricet called in. I gulped them all down and called my therapist. She came to my house and just sat with me. She really just stayed with me to make sure I didn't die. I made it through the night, but woke up the next morning feeling completely lost and hopeless. 

That afternoon, I swallowed the last 20 tramadol and laid on my couch. I remember VERY CLEARLY plotting my suicide. I was planning on hiking up a cliff in Little Cottonwood Canyon and jumping. I was ready to end it all. 

Then, the spirit of my Heavenly Father rushed through me. All these images of my nieces and nephew, parents, siblings, and friends rushed into my mind. I will never ever forget that moment. In that moment I chose life. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I was going to get better. I placed my life in my God's hands and acted on complete faith. I called my family and therapist and told them to come over for a meeting. I called my boss and told him that I needed to quit, because I was going to stay in rehab for as long as I needed to. 

That minute where I chose LIFE completely changed my course. I told my family that I was going to treatment and I was going to fight to the bitter end to change. I went to my therapist at the rehab the next day and told her I was ready to commit to myself and the process.

I worked my butt off in rehab. I had given up my entire life to be there and get better. Even now, I am still acting on complete faith that this process works and I can live a full and happy life. As my brain and body has healed from the drug abuse, all signs and symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder are completely gone. I didn't genuinely have the mental disorder, but the side effects of my addiction made it seem like I had Borderline. I am so grateful that those symptoms have gone away and I feel like myself again. 

I am 100% committed to my sobriety. While some days are extremely hard, I have never wanted something more in my entire life. I am so grateful that I chose life and I am still here today. I live now knowing that God has a divine purpose for me in this life and I can live addiction free the rest of my life if I continue to have faith in him and the recovery process. 

See, I told you this was a REALLY LONG story!

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