Monster

The above song has somewhat been a theme of my addiction.

I remember back in October I heard this song after days and days of being high. It brought me to tears, because every word meant something to me. I could completely relate to feeling like a monster.

Realizing I had an addiction was an extremely hard truth I had to realize. It made me feel stuck and lost. I couldn't cope with the realization that I will have these problems the rest of my life as a human being. Every day will be a challenge to stay clean. 

When I first became sober, I had a HUGE desire to sober up and live a happy life without drugs. This happiness, drive, and desire is called riding the pink wave. It means someone who has recently sobered up is just living in this happy sober fantasy land and staying sober can feel really easy. 

Then, life happens and the pink cloud fades. When the pink cloud fades, that's when the rubber hits the road and it's time to give it everything that I have. 

Some days, I really don't know if I can last even another minute with the strong cravings I have. Some days, I don't see myself staying sober. Recovery isn't all happiness. It means facing life and reality by using new coping skills that require a lot of practice and change. Sometimes it just seems like it would be way easier just to cope with life with drugs like I am used to.

Taking those 2 pills yesterday awoke the monster within me. It shot my cravings through the ROOF. All day today my head was spinning. I was plotting ways to go back and somehow reverse everything I did yesterday with my therapist to protect myself. It's so embarrassing to admit that I'm not strong and want recovery all of the time. MOST of the time, I do. But, I can't get on here and lie by saying that I don't ever want to use drugs again, because sometimes all I want to do is escape the world and use again. It's so frustrating to have my mind racing all the time thinking about using again. Addiction is a powerful tool satan uses to destroy souls. Luckily, I decided to fight back before it was  too late.

This is something I will fight forever. This isn't just something that will eventually go away if I pray enough. I am a monster.