Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Chapter 3: My Secret

Many of you have reached out to me saying, "I had no idea". Don't feel left out. Nobody really knew the extent to which I had a problem. Sure, some people knew MORE than others, but nobody really knew how bad things really were and how bad things had gotten over time. 

There were many times of sobriety during my addiction. The most sober I was over the past 8 years was from November 2011-August 2012. During the time I was in DC, I only used medication as it was prescribed to me. During that year, I thought I had conquered my addiction. I thought I was through with abusing prescription medication for the rest of my life. But, as soon as life got really tough for me, I would go straight back to my favorite comforter.

One a year ago last December, things got really bad. In my life, I felt empty. I didn't feel like I had a purpose. I felt extremely depressed because I wasn't perfect. My lack of perfection was the strongest driver in my addiction. I thought I had to be perfect to be loved. I did all of the right things in my life and still wasn't perfect and didn't feel loved. Mostly, I didn't feel worthy of love, therefore, I would try to escape my imperfect reality through the numbing feeling of drugs. 

So last December, I was able to get my Dr. to start prescribing me bottles of 120 of my favorite pills each month. Then, I began mixing drugs. I mixed with everything. Other tranquilizing medications, alcohol, and sometimes even marijuana. For the next year, my life spiraled downward fast. 

On the outside, I portrayed the perfection that I wished I was: moving up quickly in my career, dating cute boys, and buying my own house. On the inside, I was constantly worrying about my next fix and how to escape the negative thoughts I was always feeling about myself, and quiet all of the negative self talk that I had constantly. 

Here's some pics of when I got really skinny due to the fact that all I ate for months were pills: 

Like I said in a previous post, I was down to 110 and I am normally 125

My life consisted of going to work and then going home and taking pills and escaping. I worked long hours to escape, but when I wasn't working, I was most likely passed out from the drugs. 

Luckily, I moved into my sister's house in July and stopped the scary cycle for a few months. But as soon as I moved back out on my own in October, my old ways crept up on me again. Luckily, I was able to catch myself and realize I needed help. I wasn't okay with the quality of life that I gave myself over the last 8 years. I was ready for rehab. 

I am so grateful for my addiction. It has taught me more about myself than I would have ever known otherwise. It has taken me to the place I am at right now, and I am finally truly and completely happy after 8 years of darkness. 

Writing about my struggle and my weakness on here is so liberating. I don't have to be perfect anymore. I love myself. I don't hold onto relationships that aren't healthy anymore, because I know my value and worth. As I have gotten to know myself, I am pretty rad! I am excited for you all to meet the real me. Not the "I have to be perfect to be loved" version or drugged up/numbed down version of me. 

If you don't like who you meet, that's okay, because I love me and that's all that really matters!


  1. You're amazing Kelli! I love you sis!

  2. I've always thought you were awesome. Still do. I'm proud of you