The Journey To Zero

I think like most addicts who are in recovery, we like to talk about the beauty of recovery, not the ugliness of addiction. We try to move forward and not dwell on the past- but never forget how dark that past was and why we never ever want to go back to that person who we know that we aren't, yet addiction brings out. 

So let's talk about the ugly side of my Suboxone journey, along with the beauty of FINALLY being done with the drug two years later. 

So what is suboxone? Suboxone is used for opiate addicts to help them come off of hard opiates such as heroin. It is just like heroin and attaches to the same opiate receptors that heroin does, however, it doesn't produce the same high effect as the other opiates. It is a very effective drug to get opiate addicts on when they are detoxing from the hard stuff or if there is an opiate addict that chronically relapses and suboxone is the only way to block them from getting high on other opiates if they were to take them while on suboxone. It's kind of a hard drug to understand so if you really care that much about understanding what it is and how it differs, you can google it if you have a real itch to learn about those bad boys. Moving on...

So the next question is- am I a hard core opiate addict? Am I addicted to heroin? The answer is no. I would abuse opiates such as Loratab and Percocet when they were around after surgery or what not- especially when they were MUUUCH easier to get back when I was in high school, but I never actively sought them. They made me nauseated and I didn't like them like I liked other pills that were tranquilizers. Tranquilizers were my thing- Ambien, Xanex, Fioricet, Soma, any downer that would fly under the radar at Dr's offices and different pharmacies.  Not only did I love those types of drugs, but more than anything, I loved manipulating the whole system from the Dr's to the Insurance company, to the Pharmacies, to the Drug reporting database. See, us addicts are really smart (sometimes detrimentally smart if focused on the wrong things) and the greatest high doesn't come from actually getting high, but it comes from actually being able to manipulate our way to the high. 

So, if I am not a big opiate person, then why was I put on Suboxone in the first place? Well, when I entered rehab two years ago, I was put on the drugs that I was on because I have 3 herniated discs  in my neck along with a few other issues with my back and neck. So, I honestly believed that I couldn't get off those drugs because regardless of whether or not I was an addict, I was in very real and true pain. So the Dr. at my treatment center found a solution to get me off the "hard stuff" and on to a "safer" medication for chronic pain. Next thing I know, I am on a very low dose of suboxone. Since I didn't have a high tolerance to opiates- because I hadn't taken them since my last surgery 4 years before, the suboxone actually did produce a sort of high for me. While in TREATMENT, I was all about taking my suboxone every day and loving the way it reduced my anxiety, took away the physical pain, and just overall calmed me and helped me sleep. So from the day I left treatment and was in charge of my own medication management, I abused those suckers. 

It wasn't hard at all at first. I was on such a low dose, that if I took double what I was supposed to, it made me feel really good. I started messing around with them on a regular basis and then began going hard on them for 3 weeks out of the month and then either manipulated the system to get a new script earlier than needed, or I would buy them at an outrageous price from my friend from rehab for about $25 per pill. This went on for about 8 months. I was in so much denial that this was even a problem. I was sober from the drugs that ruined my life, so I was sober right? I wouldn't have any problems kicking this problem at some point in the future- if it was even really necessary. I just want to say I REALLY was committed to sobriety and honestly didn't believe that this was a problem at all. Denial can be a sneaky manipulator. So about 8 months later, when I was close to 1 year of "sobriety", going to school, starting a new job, doing an internship, etc. I started abusing them more and more and manipulating my way through the system to do so. 

Finally, one day my Therapist straight up called me out on it. My cover was blown. I didn't have 8 months of sobriety anymore because the secret was out and I couldn't do anything about it. So then we devised a plan to get off of them. By this time, I was up to 16mg from the 1mg I had started at the year before. Suboxone is one of those things that you can't quickly just taper off of because of how well it sticks to those opiate receptors. I had to go to a suboxone clinic and come down safely on them. 

This post is getting too long, and even I don't have the patience to keep writing about this. Let's pick this back up tomorrow. 

To be continued....

Life In The Sexy Lane 2.0

Well Hello! Welcome back to Life In The Sexy Lane 2.0! It has been a long while since I have posted on here. I needed some time away to get myself and my life back together. While I love posting and sharing on this blog, there is also a constant juggle that I feel between wanting to be real and genuine, but also wanting to show up and be strong and show my better side or share the better parts of life. Sometimes, especially when you feel like you are completely lost or broken, it can get hard to post because those are parts of myself that I have a hard time acknowledging to myself- let alone people who read this blog. I have always prided this blog as being real and genuine to who I am and what I am going through, but sometimes when life itself feels as though it is blowing up all around me, I tend to disconnect. I disconnect from myself, my loved ones, and my life. I begin to just show up and go through the motions without feeling any emotions or enjoyment in my life. So when I started relapsing last January, I didn't want to admit it on my blog for many reasons. I wanted to show my strength in my recovery, not my weakness in my addiction. Sometimes there is a fine line between being genuine and being too vulnerable in an inappropriate public setting. I didn't want to lose my internship or get kicked out of my school program because I wanted to work in recovery despite the fact that I was not in a stable enough place to be working in or planning to work in recovery when I wasn't in a solid place in my own recovery. And honestly, I just didn't want to start the whole recovery thing all over again. Needless to say, the last six months there have been some drastic changes such as dropping out of my school program and not completing my internship hours. Starting an IOP treatment program and relapsing so I had to take 6 weeks off of work to do a day treatment program. And since then, practicing what I have learned and really work on myself and my recovery which required a lot more private journaling rather than public blogging. That being said, I have really missed this blog. It has been a great way for me to emotionally connect and become vulnerable. It allows me to express and share myself. And the best part, it allows me to connect with so many others who decide to share their story of struggle and find a small glimmer of hope in their own pain. I can't promise a blog post every day like I have in the past, but I do want to start sharing again and I feel like now it is the right time and I am in the right place to begin to post again. I hope to share with you my struggles, victories, comedies, and the interworks or how my brain randomly operates moving forward. 

So, moving forward....let's go through some pictures/highlights from this last summer...

We got some rock climbing in

We bought this girl her first pair of roller skates

This little one literally grew up right in front of our eyes

My parents and I spent a brisk Memorial Day weekend up in Park City

I got my favorite pair of summer sandals

Charlee in now enrolled Grandpa Davy's Hunting Recruiting club

I finished my first year at Chase Bank by accomplishing all of my first year goals 

Grandpa took the kids fishing

These were by far a summer favorite treat

So many Sunday afternoons with the littles

And every Sunday was a new adventure

The week after my relapse, I got into Golfing as a way to support my recovery. My first two games, I got birdies...haven't gotten one since. I took lessons and probably played almost every single day. 

These kids reminded me what playing outside all summer is magical

I took my own style to the golf course

I bought a new Garmin that is 100 times smarter than I am 

All the cousins went up to Park City for a week 

And they were stoked to say the least

I taught Kylie the secret to life is to drink A LOT of Diet Coke

We got 6th row tickets at Kelly Clarkson

I developed a sock addiction

Kylie started walking...and Charlee started posing and smiling for pictures

I started Trail Running again

And it was the best way to restore my broken spirit 

I reconnected with FTR and ran at Recovery Day with my Hero and Sober Sister Rachel

The girls decided going to the Toy Store on our Date Nights is now a regular tradition (so much better than going to Chuck E Cheese)

And we tried to all smile for a picture...

But most pictures turned out goofy

I played in the freezing cold Women's Realtor Golf Tournament on team Stewart Title 

Dave and I went to DC because I signed up for a Half Marathon solely to have a reason to eat at Good Stuff and have this iconic Roasted Marshmallow Shake

When you're at the Capitol, it's only cool to be super cheesy and wear patriotic gear around.

Of course we did all of the cool tourist things that I have probably done 25 times now

I ran a half marathon without training and got the running bug again. My goal is to run my Half Marathon Personal Record in September of 2016

Being addicted to running is much better than being addicted to drugs. 

We enjoyed summer nights in the backyard

These two became very best buds

My new baby niece Charlotte was born

Four months of golfing paid off with 3 drives straight onto the green at Sleepy Ridge

And, the summer has officially come to an end. 

It was a great summer. A summer for the books. I feel healthy. I feel happy. I feel strong. I feel connected. I feel like after 10 long years of fighting so many demons, depression, anxiety, etc...I am finally content and happy with who I am and where my life is going. It feels amazing!

The TRUTH

I feel like it's time to start telling the truth. I have been living in lies for the past few months and it's time to make some changes and stop living in denial.

Here's my story....

In August I started school at the University of Utah to become a Substance Abuse Counselor. When I started school, I felt super solid in my recovery. I was doing the activities that I needed to do in order to live a life of honesty and recovery. 

In September, I started working at Chase. I took on a very difficult job that required a lot of hard work and dedication to get my business off the ground. Along with that, I was assigned to work at a branch in South Jordan. For whatever reason, the Branch Manager didn't like me, and she made it very well known. She complained to her District Manager about me regularly and I would often get passive aggression remarks thrown my way. This was hard to take. Not only was I not used to working in an environment where I wasn't liked, but I was taking on a job that was way more intense than any job I was used to. This triggered me big time, as it tapped into a lot of shame I have had in my life and I felt like I wasn't good enough or worth enough due to her attitude. 

In November, I started interning at my old treatment center. I tried to get as many hours as I could and worked hard to juggle school, my job, my internship and my recovery. 

Then, I started slipping.

I had to go into a Dr. in December in order to do a wellness exam and get a discount on my health insurance at Chase. Before I went in to see the Dr, I made a plan to get my drug of choice. I went in and told him I had just moved to the Valley and I was currently on some medications and asked him if he could refill those prescriptions. No questions asked, the Dr. called in those prescriptions. I had access to drugs I shouldn't have. I got the first prescription, took two of them, then freaked out and flushed the rest. Two weeks later, I got a refill. This time, I took 6 and then flushed the rest. After this experience, I cancelled the remaining refills and tried to get back on the right path. 

Then, things started getting worse at the branch in South Jordan. I was super depressed because of the way that I was treated there. I also was overwhelmed with such a busy schedule and began to feel isolated from people who mattered the most to me and the recovery community. My busy schedule was actually impairing me from working a solid recovery program. I started having anxiety attacks about going in to work and working with this lady who publicly shamed me. One night, I woke up in the middle of the night and emailed the Dr. I had met with the month before to call in some Xanex for my anxiety. I woke up the next morning and didn't remember waking up and emailing the Dr. I went to pick up my normal prescriptions that next day and next thing I know, I had Xanex in my possession. I took half the bottle throughout the week, and then flushed the rest.

This made me realize that I couldn't continue doing what I was doing. I told my manager to transfer me, because my current situation was causing me to self destruct. I decided to take some time off from my internship to free up some time to work on myself. At the same time, I couldn't stop thinking about getting more Xanex. When that Branch Manager found out I was leaving, she yelled through the branch, "YES! We are getting a new loan officer!" and then proceeded to talk to every Banker about how horrible I was at my job right in front of me. This made me feel even more horrible. 

The next few weeks, I tried to find my footing in recovery and really work a program. I was still so depressed and overly stressed with work and school. I still continued to isolate myself from the recovery community that had meant so much to me in the past. About a month later, I emailed the Dr. to send in more Xanex. 

This time, I went all out and relapsed. I took 20 Xanex in a 4 day span and just wanted to give up. I couldn't continue on this path anymore. I didn't know what to do and continued to think about using more and more. I was in full on relapse mode and honestly didn't care anymore. It was recommended to me that I enter in an Intensive Outpatient program, but I refused. I was still in denial about it and didn't want to believe that I had actually fully relapsed. I continued to isolate myself and tried to juggle everything that was going on. 

Then, one day, I got a text from my Internship Supervisor. I was planning on trying to go back to my internship in April, but she told me that the owners decided to cut back on the amount of interns at their treatment center and I no longer could go back to my internship. On top of that, I was dealing with loans dying at work that were putting my clients that I had worked so hard for and cared about in a homeless situation if I couldn't help them. I took on all of this stress and personalized it. Finally, I snapped. 

I left work that day and drove to the Liquor Store. I picked up a bottle of Vodka and went home and started drinking. I felt completely lost. All of the stress and hard work I put in to school and my internship were for nothing. I felt like my purpose for this past year was for nothing and I no longer had any purpose. I drank all weekend and wouldn't respond to anybody who was trying to reach out to me. I felt so low. I haven't felt that low in two years. I just didn't care any more and I didn't want recovery. 

Looking back, somewhere between work and school and interning, I lost my internal desire to live in recovery. I was in recovery for everyone and everything else. I wasn't in recovery for myself anymore and when those things began to fall apart, so did I. I drank all weekend and took ambien and was completely miserable. 

Then, this last week, I was intervened on by a couple of Therapists that I had been working with. They told me if I continued on this path, I was going to die and I needed to take a break from everything and get treatment. This was a huge wake up call to me. I never in a million years would have thought I would be in this situation again. 

So where does that leave me now? Now, I have a choice. I can continue self destructing, or I can make some changes. I have decided and committed to making some important changes. I decided to let go of school for now. This was too much for me to handle at this point and doing more hard than good. I also decided to make some commitments. I decided it's time to cut ties with the Dr. hook up that I created. I committed to going to a couple meetings a week. I committed to doing one recovery activity every day. I committed to working through the 12 steps. 

I know without a doubt that my addiction is alive and well. I know I could benefit from treatment at this point. I know I need to make some important changes. 

I am asking you, my blog community, to support me with this. I need help. I need support. I need to get back to where I was and working a recovery program for myself and nothing else. I know I can do this. I want to do this. I am ready to move forward and stop hiding behind my denial and secrets. 

Addiction is powerful. It doesn't stop. While I am working on my recovery, my addiction is off to the side doing pushups and getting even stronger. The addicted part of my brain will find any excuse to give in. These past few months have absolutely sucked. I have never felt so much like a fraud as I was engaging in behaviors that were slowly destroying me. I know now that recovery has to always be my number one priority no matter what. I am ready to move forward and make this work. 

Valentine Party

Recently, I have decided to take a little break from one of my evening responsibilities to get myself back on track. I was so busy, I began losing myself and losing my peace, serenity, and happiness. I never like to let go of any of my responsibilities and I am addicted to being busy, but after a lot of thought and a lot of pushing by my therapy team I decided it was best. 

My first free night, my mom had a Valentine Day Family Night with my sister's kids. It was so much fun to spend the night with them, play, dance, decorate cards, and make cookies. I miss these kids so much when I go even a few days without seeing them. They allow me to be completely myself and make me feel special. 

Here's some pics from that night:

My very favorite Valentine card I have ever received from Rylie

Rylie has some mad cookie making skills. Guarantees a sugar coma for at least one week. 

She refused to show her entire face, so this was the best I could do!

And in other news...

I survived my first round of tests for this semester!

I am finally finding my footing with my job at Chase. In the last month, I have ramped up a great pipeline that I am very excited about! I got transferred from one of the branches that I was really struggling at, and I am really excited to be at the 3 branches I am now covering!

I am soooo excited I now have a job that allows me to shop at Whole Foods again! Also, we got a new Trader Joes by my house! I love living in Sandy!

I am loving this weather lately! I couldn't ask for a better Utah winter!!

Lately

It's been months since I last posted on here and so much has gone on. I've been crazy busy building my mortgage business at Chase, celebrated the holidays, got a 4.0 last semester, started working at Turning Point Centers for my internship, spent time with family, spent time hiking and snowboarding, and started tapering off of Subutex by working closely with an outpatient Subutex clinic. There have been high highs and very low lows, but overall...I am living day by day to build the life that I have always dreamt of. Here's what my life has been according to my iphone...

Thanksgiving happened...

Cute Rylie refuses to wear dresses...but she's completely okay wearing "long shirts"

Baby girl loves matching me wearing "Elsa shirts"

Working all day every day to build my Chase mortgage business. I now work at Fashion Place, Fort Union, and Cottonwood Heights. I just got back from a Denver Sales Conference and I am so motivated to make 2015 my highest income year yet. My last paycheck was the biggest paycheck of my career so far!

Christmas happened...the little girls helped me decorate my townhouse for Christmas.

Baby girl hacked my phone...future blackmail pictures...

Gotta love Christmas parties with some of my favorite sober  friends up here.

Snowboarding with my brother and sister on Christmas Eve

Spent time with my nieces from Arizona

LOVE my new goggles

I might have had a slight addiction to snowboarding coats this year.

This kid...

Hiking beautiful Bells Canyon is this amazing winter weather

Yet another coat...

I celebrated One Year of sobriety

Snowboarding with one of my favorite people. I rely on Erica to entertain me on the weekends. She does a really good job!

Running in this beautiful spring winter weather

More phone hacks

The world's cutest baby

This picture sums up my aunt life. Playing "Go Fish" and getting my hair done at the same time!

My new favorite trick!

That about sums up my winter adventures these past few months! I can't wait to see what else is in store for 2015. My only resolution is to stay sober. So far, so good!