I feel like it's time to start telling the truth. I have been living in lies for the past few months and it's time to make some changes and stop living in denial.
Here's my story....
In August I started school at the University of Utah to become a Substance Abuse Counselor. When I started school, I felt super solid in my recovery. I was doing the activities that I needed to do in order to live a life of honesty and recovery.
In September, I started working at Chase. I took on a very difficult job that required a lot of hard work and dedication to get my business off the ground. Along with that, I was assigned to work at a branch in South Jordan. For whatever reason, the Branch Manager didn't like me, and she made it very well known. She complained to her District Manager about me regularly and I would often get passive aggression remarks thrown my way. This was hard to take. Not only was I not used to working in an environment where I wasn't liked, but I was taking on a job that was way more intense than any job I was used to. This triggered me big time, as it tapped into a lot of shame I have had in my life and I felt like I wasn't good enough or worth enough due to her attitude.
In November, I started interning at my old treatment center. I tried to get as many hours as I could and worked hard to juggle school, my job, my internship and my recovery.
Then, I started slipping.
I had to go into a Dr. in December in order to do a wellness exam and get a discount on my health insurance at Chase. Before I went in to see the Dr, I made a plan to get my drug of choice. I went in and told him I had just moved to the Valley and I was currently on some medications and asked him if he could refill those prescriptions. No questions asked, the Dr. called in those prescriptions. I had access to drugs I shouldn't have. I got the first prescription, took two of them, then freaked out and flushed the rest. Two weeks later, I got a refill. This time, I took 6 and then flushed the rest. After this experience, I cancelled the remaining refills and tried to get back on the right path.
Then, things started getting worse at the branch in South Jordan. I was super depressed because of the way that I was treated there. I also was overwhelmed with such a busy schedule and began to feel isolated from people who mattered the most to me and the recovery community. My busy schedule was actually impairing me from working a solid recovery program. I started having anxiety attacks about going in to work and working with this lady who publicly shamed me. One night, I woke up in the middle of the night and emailed the Dr. I had met with the month before to call in some Xanex for my anxiety. I woke up the next morning and didn't remember waking up and emailing the Dr. I went to pick up my normal prescriptions that next day and next thing I know, I had Xanex in my possession. I took half the bottle throughout the week, and then flushed the rest.
This made me realize that I couldn't continue doing what I was doing. I told my manager to transfer me, because my current situation was causing me to self destruct. I decided to take some time off from my internship to free up some time to work on myself. At the same time, I couldn't stop thinking about getting more Xanex. When that Branch Manager found out I was leaving, she yelled through the branch, "YES! We are getting a new loan officer!" and then proceeded to talk to every Banker about how horrible I was at my job right in front of me. This made me feel even more horrible.
The next few weeks, I tried to find my footing in recovery and really work a program. I was still so depressed and overly stressed with work and school. I still continued to isolate myself from the recovery community that had meant so much to me in the past. About a month later, I emailed the Dr. to send in more Xanex.
This time, I went all out and relapsed. I took 20 Xanex in a 4 day span and just wanted to give up. I couldn't continue on this path anymore. I didn't know what to do and continued to think about using more and more. I was in full on relapse mode and honestly didn't care anymore. It was recommended to me that I enter in an Intensive Outpatient program, but I refused. I was still in denial about it and didn't want to believe that I had actually fully relapsed. I continued to isolate myself and tried to juggle everything that was going on.
Then, one day, I got a text from my Internship Supervisor. I was planning on trying to go back to my internship in April, but she told me that the owners decided to cut back on the amount of interns at their treatment center and I no longer could go back to my internship. On top of that, I was dealing with loans dying at work that were putting my clients that I had worked so hard for and cared about in a homeless situation if I couldn't help them. I took on all of this stress and personalized it. Finally, I snapped.
I left work that day and drove to the Liquor Store. I picked up a bottle of Vodka and went home and started drinking. I felt completely lost. All of the stress and hard work I put in to school and my internship were for nothing. I felt like my purpose for this past year was for nothing and I no longer had any purpose. I drank all weekend and wouldn't respond to anybody who was trying to reach out to me. I felt so low. I haven't felt that low in two years. I just didn't care any more and I didn't want recovery.
Looking back, somewhere between work and school and interning, I lost my internal desire to live in recovery. I was in recovery for everyone and everything else. I wasn't in recovery for myself anymore and when those things began to fall apart, so did I. I drank all weekend and took ambien and was completely miserable.
Then, this last week, I was intervened on by a couple of Therapists that I had been working with. They told me if I continued on this path, I was going to die and I needed to take a break from everything and get treatment. This was a huge wake up call to me. I never in a million years would have thought I would be in this situation again.
So where does that leave me now? Now, I have a choice. I can continue self destructing, or I can make some changes. I have decided and committed to making some important changes. I decided to let go of school for now. This was too much for me to handle at this point and doing more hard than good. I also decided to make some commitments. I decided it's time to cut ties with the Dr. hook up that I created. I committed to going to a couple meetings a week. I committed to doing one recovery activity every day. I committed to working through the 12 steps.
I know without a doubt that my addiction is alive and well. I know I could benefit from treatment at this point. I know I need to make some important changes.
I am asking you, my blog community, to support me with this. I need help. I need support. I need to get back to where I was and working a recovery program for myself and nothing else. I know I can do this. I want to do this. I am ready to move forward and stop hiding behind my denial and secrets.
Addiction is powerful. It doesn't stop. While I am working on my recovery, my addiction is off to the side doing pushups and getting even stronger. The addicted part of my brain will find any excuse to give in. These past few months have absolutely sucked. I have never felt so much like a fraud as I was engaging in behaviors that were slowly destroying me. I know now that recovery has to always be my number one priority no matter what. I am ready to move forward and make this work.