The TRUTH

I feel like it's time to start telling the truth. I have been living in lies for the past few months and it's time to make some changes and stop living in denial.

Here's my story....

In August I started school at the University of Utah to become a Substance Abuse Counselor. When I started school, I felt super solid in my recovery. I was doing the activities that I needed to do in order to live a life of honesty and recovery. 

In September, I started working at Chase. I took on a very difficult job that required a lot of hard work and dedication to get my business off the ground. Along with that, I was assigned to work at a branch in South Jordan. For whatever reason, the Branch Manager didn't like me, and she made it very well known. She complained to her District Manager about me regularly and I would often get passive aggression remarks thrown my way. This was hard to take. Not only was I not used to working in an environment where I wasn't liked, but I was taking on a job that was way more intense than any job I was used to. This triggered me big time, as it tapped into a lot of shame I have had in my life and I felt like I wasn't good enough or worth enough due to her attitude. 

In November, I started interning at my old treatment center. I tried to get as many hours as I could and worked hard to juggle school, my job, my internship and my recovery. 

Then, I started slipping.

I had to go into a Dr. in December in order to do a wellness exam and get a discount on my health insurance at Chase. Before I went in to see the Dr, I made a plan to get my drug of choice. I went in and told him I had just moved to the Valley and I was currently on some medications and asked him if he could refill those prescriptions. No questions asked, the Dr. called in those prescriptions. I had access to drugs I shouldn't have. I got the first prescription, took two of them, then freaked out and flushed the rest. Two weeks later, I got a refill. This time, I took 6 and then flushed the rest. After this experience, I cancelled the remaining refills and tried to get back on the right path. 

Then, things started getting worse at the branch in South Jordan. I was super depressed because of the way that I was treated there. I also was overwhelmed with such a busy schedule and began to feel isolated from people who mattered the most to me and the recovery community. My busy schedule was actually impairing me from working a solid recovery program. I started having anxiety attacks about going in to work and working with this lady who publicly shamed me. One night, I woke up in the middle of the night and emailed the Dr. I had met with the month before to call in some Xanex for my anxiety. I woke up the next morning and didn't remember waking up and emailing the Dr. I went to pick up my normal prescriptions that next day and next thing I know, I had Xanex in my possession. I took half the bottle throughout the week, and then flushed the rest.

This made me realize that I couldn't continue doing what I was doing. I told my manager to transfer me, because my current situation was causing me to self destruct. I decided to take some time off from my internship to free up some time to work on myself. At the same time, I couldn't stop thinking about getting more Xanex. When that Branch Manager found out I was leaving, she yelled through the branch, "YES! We are getting a new loan officer!" and then proceeded to talk to every Banker about how horrible I was at my job right in front of me. This made me feel even more horrible. 

The next few weeks, I tried to find my footing in recovery and really work a program. I was still so depressed and overly stressed with work and school. I still continued to isolate myself from the recovery community that had meant so much to me in the past. About a month later, I emailed the Dr. to send in more Xanex. 

This time, I went all out and relapsed. I took 20 Xanex in a 4 day span and just wanted to give up. I couldn't continue on this path anymore. I didn't know what to do and continued to think about using more and more. I was in full on relapse mode and honestly didn't care anymore. It was recommended to me that I enter in an Intensive Outpatient program, but I refused. I was still in denial about it and didn't want to believe that I had actually fully relapsed. I continued to isolate myself and tried to juggle everything that was going on. 

Then, one day, I got a text from my Internship Supervisor. I was planning on trying to go back to my internship in April, but she told me that the owners decided to cut back on the amount of interns at their treatment center and I no longer could go back to my internship. On top of that, I was dealing with loans dying at work that were putting my clients that I had worked so hard for and cared about in a homeless situation if I couldn't help them. I took on all of this stress and personalized it. Finally, I snapped. 

I left work that day and drove to the Liquor Store. I picked up a bottle of Vodka and went home and started drinking. I felt completely lost. All of the stress and hard work I put in to school and my internship were for nothing. I felt like my purpose for this past year was for nothing and I no longer had any purpose. I drank all weekend and wouldn't respond to anybody who was trying to reach out to me. I felt so low. I haven't felt that low in two years. I just didn't care any more and I didn't want recovery. 

Looking back, somewhere between work and school and interning, I lost my internal desire to live in recovery. I was in recovery for everyone and everything else. I wasn't in recovery for myself anymore and when those things began to fall apart, so did I. I drank all weekend and took ambien and was completely miserable. 

Then, this last week, I was intervened on by a couple of Therapists that I had been working with. They told me if I continued on this path, I was going to die and I needed to take a break from everything and get treatment. This was a huge wake up call to me. I never in a million years would have thought I would be in this situation again. 

So where does that leave me now? Now, I have a choice. I can continue self destructing, or I can make some changes. I have decided and committed to making some important changes. I decided to let go of school for now. This was too much for me to handle at this point and doing more hard than good. I also decided to make some commitments. I decided it's time to cut ties with the Dr. hook up that I created. I committed to going to a couple meetings a week. I committed to doing one recovery activity every day. I committed to working through the 12 steps. 

I know without a doubt that my addiction is alive and well. I know I could benefit from treatment at this point. I know I need to make some important changes. 

I am asking you, my blog community, to support me with this. I need help. I need support. I need to get back to where I was and working a recovery program for myself and nothing else. I know I can do this. I want to do this. I am ready to move forward and stop hiding behind my denial and secrets. 

Addiction is powerful. It doesn't stop. While I am working on my recovery, my addiction is off to the side doing pushups and getting even stronger. The addicted part of my brain will find any excuse to give in. These past few months have absolutely sucked. I have never felt so much like a fraud as I was engaging in behaviors that were slowly destroying me. I know now that recovery has to always be my number one priority no matter what. I am ready to move forward and make this work. 

Valentine Party

Recently, I have decided to take a little break from one of my evening responsibilities to get myself back on track. I was so busy, I began losing myself and losing my peace, serenity, and happiness. I never like to let go of any of my responsibilities and I am addicted to being busy, but after a lot of thought and a lot of pushing by my therapy team I decided it was best. 

My first free night, my mom had a Valentine Day Family Night with my sister's kids. It was so much fun to spend the night with them, play, dance, decorate cards, and make cookies. I miss these kids so much when I go even a few days without seeing them. They allow me to be completely myself and make me feel special. 

Here's some pics from that night:

My very favorite Valentine card I have ever received from Rylie

Rylie has some mad cookie making skills. Guarantees a sugar coma for at least one week. 

She refused to show her entire face, so this was the best I could do!

And in other news...

I survived my first round of tests for this semester!

I am finally finding my footing with my job at Chase. In the last month, I have ramped up a great pipeline that I am very excited about! I got transferred from one of the branches that I was really struggling at, and I am really excited to be at the 3 branches I am now covering!

I am soooo excited I now have a job that allows me to shop at Whole Foods again! Also, we got a new Trader Joes by my house! I love living in Sandy!

I am loving this weather lately! I couldn't ask for a better Utah winter!!

Lately

It's been months since I last posted on here and so much has gone on. I've been crazy busy building my mortgage business at Chase, celebrated the holidays, got a 4.0 last semester, started working at Turning Point Centers for my internship, spent time with family, spent time hiking and snowboarding, and started tapering off of Subutex by working closely with an outpatient Subutex clinic. There have been high highs and very low lows, but overall...I am living day by day to build the life that I have always dreamt of. Here's what my life has been according to my iphone...

Thanksgiving happened...

Cute Rylie refuses to wear dresses...but she's completely okay wearing "long shirts"

Baby girl loves matching me wearing "Elsa shirts"

Working all day every day to build my Chase mortgage business. I now work at Fashion Place, Fort Union, and Cottonwood Heights. I just got back from a Denver Sales Conference and I am so motivated to make 2015 my highest income year yet. My last paycheck was the biggest paycheck of my career so far!

Christmas happened...the little girls helped me decorate my townhouse for Christmas.

Baby girl hacked my phone...future blackmail pictures...

Gotta love Christmas parties with some of my favorite sober  friends up here.

Snowboarding with my brother and sister on Christmas Eve

Spent time with my nieces from Arizona

LOVE my new goggles

I might have had a slight addiction to snowboarding coats this year.

This kid...

Hiking beautiful Bells Canyon is this amazing winter weather

Yet another coat...

I celebrated One Year of sobriety

Snowboarding with one of my favorite people. I rely on Erica to entertain me on the weekends. She does a really good job!

Running in this beautiful spring winter weather

More phone hacks

The world's cutest baby

This picture sums up my aunt life. Playing "Go Fish" and getting my hair done at the same time!

My new favorite trick!

That about sums up my winter adventures these past few months! I can't wait to see what else is in store for 2015. My only resolution is to stay sober. So far, so good!

The First Step- Brutal Honesty

The first step of the 12 steps reads: 

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or any other mind altering substance) that our lives had become unmanageable."

Time for some brutal honesty here. I have not been completely sober this past year. 

I have been sober from my drugs of choice for the last year, yes. But, I have not been completely sober. 

First admittance, I have had a few "run ins" with ambien. I was prescribed ambien to sleep by my doctor, and there have been a few times over this last year where I have abused ambien. I have taken more than prescribed at times, and there have been times when I have been sick where I took it all day and all night for a few days straight. I told my therapist about this and we actually called my pharmacy and cancelled my refills and then we called my doctor and told him that I have abused this substance and to put into my chart that I cannot handle ambien.

Next admittance, when I was in treatment, I was prescribed a drug called Suboxone. I was prescribed this because I was dealing with chronic pain in my back and neck when I went into treatment and a low dose of suboxone helps with chronic pain. It is a narcotic that does not produce as much of a "high" as other narcotics like oxycontin. It is also 20 times more powerful than morphine at low doses, so it effectively masks pain. The problem is, when I first started suboxone, I knew that I liked the way that it made me feel. It helped with anxiety, sleep, and of course the pain. Since I got out of treatment, I started taking more than prescribed and abused the medication. I rationalized this all year long, because it was prescribed by my addiction doctor. However, I have been telling my therapist for months that I was going to get off of this, but I haven't taken the steps to begin tapering down from this medication. When I got my wisdom teeth out a few weeks ago, I was taking suboxone and ambien all weekend long to deal with the pain. I went in to my therapist and told her about this. She finally called me out and said that I had a dependence to this drug and I needed to get off of it. I denied this like crazy. I rationalized that I needed it and it wasn't a problem to take more than prescribed. Over the course of the session, I finally admitted that I had a problem with this drug. 

This triggered so much shame. This made me so upset, because I realized that I haven't been completely honest with myself and I haven't been completely sober like I thought I had. Immediately my first thought was, "well if I haven't been completely sober, then screw it, I am just going to use my drugs of choice." I was really close to relapsing. 

After a week of processing this, I am finally to the point where I am ready to be brutally honest with myself and others. The truth is, I have no control over my medication management. I wish more than anything that I did, but the truth is, I don't. I have been sober from my drugs of choice for almost a year now. This is something to be proud of and celebrate. Is there room for improvement? Absolutely. I am ready to admit that I cannot take ambien any more. I am also ready to admit that I have a problem with suboxone and it's time to start tapering off of this medication. 

The first step is the hardest step. But, it's also the most important step. I am powerless over these substances. Fortunately, I believe in a higher power than myself that can help me remove these substances from myself. Brutal honesty is essential if I want to live a life in recovery, which is something that I have been striving for this past year. AND, I have done a dang good job at recovery this past year. 

I am so grateful for my recovery journey. This is just a bump in the road. This is a growing and learning experience. This has taught me even more about myself and what lies ahead in my recovery journey. I know I can do this. It's all about taking the first step.

Giving My Life to Recovery

 So, I have recently begun working as an intern for an out patient drug and alcohol treatment program. Most of our clients are people who were recently in residential care and step down to coming to group therapy three evenings a week in our program. Some were able to just start doing outpatient work without the needs of residential care. This type of treatment is fun, because our clients are celebrating every day the fact that they are still sober in the "real world". This can also be very hard, because we see quite a bit of our clients relapse in their early recovery while they are trying to figure out life in recovery. I relapsed right out of being in the house, so I know exactly what they are going through. Early recovery is the worst.

I have had a moment of enlightenment as I have observed different clients who are killin it in their recovery and others who continually fall and get back up. I really think it boils down to this simple fact: When I was in my active addiction, there were multiple times where I overdosed and almost lost my life to this disease. I was simply willing to give my actual life for my addiction. Not only did I exclude myself from loving relationships, I wasn't dependable, I was beginning to lose it all. I was literally living from one high to the next. So not only was I willing to die for drugs, I wasn't even necessarily living due to the amount of energy I put towards using. My life was dedicated to my addiction.

I think in recovery, we have to use this same mind set. If I was willing to go as far as dying for my addiction, then I need to be willing to live for my recovery. Give my entire life to this. This isn't easy. This means finding reasons to fight for my life every single day and not go back. The hardest part is just simply deciding that I am worth it and deserve it. I have never felt that before. I was so caught up in this insane shame cycle, that I was unable to love myself enough to change and stop these behaviors. 

I think the people who are successful in recovery have put all of their energy and efforts towards living for their recovery. I see that with those who have been in recovery for years and years and still show up for their recovery. They don't just talk about what they should do or need to do, they actually do it and give it their all. They are open to advice and suggestion constantly. They follow advice and humble themselves to the fact that they are powerless to this disease, but they 100% have the power of their recovery, and they live accordingly. 

Even though it sucks sometimes, I am still fighting like hell each and every day. I still fear my addiction and the fact that it is a relapse prone disease. I fight every day as if I am fighting for my life...because I literally am fighting for my life and getting my life back. 

This can apply to any behavior that needs to change. Don't just talk about what needs to change and what you SHOULD do. You won't get very far. FIGHT for change and what you want. Give your entire life to that fight, starting with daily habits. 

Anyway, just some thoughts this week as I have tried to figure out why some people make it and some don't. Complacency is my biggest enemy and the biggest enemy of every addict who has committed to a new life. Continually moving forward and being humble enough to recognize weaknesses and change them, no matter how hard it is or how much they don't want to. 

Some Pics From A Couple Weeks Ago: 

Fit to Recover had their first bootcamp at the new gym. Here is a solid group of people giving their lives to recovery and making it happen. This is the strongest group of people I know!

The women of FTR are some of the most amazing women I have ever had the chance to know. They lift me up and carry me on their backs when I don't know if I can move forward.

Erica and I needed to get out of town one weekend, so we went to Park City and had a girl's weekend. Erica has been a huge strength to me of recovery. I met her while I was in treatment and have looked up to her ever since!

Canyon's spa is BOSS!

I'm actually super stoked on beanie season and hittin the Bird!

While we were up there, we went to see Richie. Richie was in treatment with me and has been a constant support to me all year. He's crushing it!

Death Anniversary

The past week or two has been such a strange range of emotions for me. It's so crazy to think that a year ago everything went down, I hit my rock bottom, and I decided to go to residential treatment for my addiction. I walked into treatment with an honest belief that I would forever be an addict and there was absolutely no possible way that I would ever be in long term recovery from my addiction. I had tried so many times on my own, and literally accepted the fact that I would be a chronic relapser.

After I got out of treatment, I had two relapses. The thing about those relapses is that they were both so different than the other times that I would commit to sobriety and relapse. This time, I sincerely wanted to be sober and didn't get the same euphoria or pleasure that I used to get when I took pills. I actually just straight up blacked out as soon as they were in my system. They provided nothing for me like they once had.

That means, the death of my addiction occurred exactly one year ago. I had always looked forward to this milestone and believed that I would feel so much joy and happiness that I had accomplished and entire year of sobriety. That feeling is definitely there. I am so glad that I decided to get treatment a year ago and have been able to stay sober and enjoy my new life. That feeling is definitely there for me. I am very humble and grateful to make it through my first year of recovery.

At the same time, I feel like I am going through the process of grieving a death anniversary. It is the strangest thing and it's something that I have really pondered. Pills, for 8 years of my life, were my one true love. They were there for me when I experienced every emotion. But, they mostly served me when I was depressed and sad and could not cope with my life. I always had pills to comfort me in those dark times, as twisted as that sounds. I was also unable to have any other intimate or committed relationships, because of my deep love for pills. They were my number 1 best friend and lover. While I am glad they are out of my life, I can't ignore the fact that some grieving happens when I decided to get out of that dysfunctional relationship and move forward with a new life in recovery. It's the strangest thing. That love was real for me and it was extremely hard to give it up, just like escaping an abusive relationship. In many ways, the pills served me and made life bearable when I didn't have the coping skills that I learned through treatment and therapy. That's why the relapses that happened after treatment were different, because they no longer served me like they had in the years past. 

Anyway, those some of my thoughts this last week as I have had these different feelings blow my mind. After a year of looking forward to this anniversary, I never expected myself to feel these feelings of grief as well. I think sometimes people in recovery only focus on how great life is in recovery, but they might not give a voice to how difficult it is to let go of the addiction and let go of that intimate relationship that occurs when you become addicted. I think it's important to give a voice to everything, because then I don't have any secrets that I am trying to keep about my feelings that come up when I do get triggered or crave that feeling of euphoria. Those feelings are just a real and deserve to be acknowledged. 

361 Media Preview

361 - Kelli Preview from Max Forrest on Vimeo.

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to get interviewed by 361 Media. 361 Media is a company that is dedicated to sharing stories about addiction and recovery from the addict's perspective and their family's perspective. The people who founded this company are also in recovery and felt it was important to share these stories of hope for people who are currently struggling with addiction in their lives or their families. They are launching the full videos this winter, but this is a preview of my story. I think it's awesome that these stories are being shared so that the stigma of addiction can be challenged. Addiction is affecting everyone in one way or another, yet it is not being talked about. The root of all addiction is shame, yet the stigma perpetuates further shame. People are struggling in secret, which further perpetuates the problem. Something I am very passionate about is spreading the message that this is an epidemic and public health crisis that needs to be talked about and this video campaign is just that. I am filled with gratitude that these secrets didn't kill me in an environment that was very hard to survive with all of the stigma surrounding this disease and the secrets that almost killed me because of all of the shame I had about my problem. I felt so liberated and free the day that I first posted about my addiction and my heart goes out to those who suffer in secret. I will forever spread the message if that means I can help save lives in the future by diminishing the stigma and talking about this epidemic that is killing more people in Utah than car crashes.