So, I have recently begun working as an intern for an out patient drug and alcohol treatment program. Most of our clients are people who were recently in residential care and step down to coming to group therapy three evenings a week in our program. Some were able to just start doing outpatient work without the needs of residential care. This type of treatment is fun, because our clients are celebrating every day the fact that they are still sober in the "real world". This can also be very hard, because we see quite a bit of our clients relapse in their early recovery while they are trying to figure out life in recovery. I relapsed right out of being in the house, so I know exactly what they are going through. Early recovery is the worst.
I have had a moment of enlightenment as I have observed different clients who are killin it in their recovery and others who continually fall and get back up. I really think it boils down to this simple fact: When I was in my active addiction, there were multiple times where I overdosed and almost lost my life to this disease. I was simply willing to give my actual life for my addiction. Not only did I exclude myself from loving relationships, I wasn't dependable, I was beginning to lose it all. I was literally living from one high to the next. So not only was I willing to die for drugs, I wasn't even necessarily living due to the amount of energy I put towards using. My life was dedicated to my addiction.
I think in recovery, we have to use this same mind set. If I was willing to go as far as dying for my addiction, then I need to be willing to live for my recovery. Give my entire life to this. This isn't easy. This means finding reasons to fight for my life every single day and not go back. The hardest part is just simply deciding that I am worth it and deserve it. I have never felt that before. I was so caught up in this insane shame cycle, that I was unable to love myself enough to change and stop these behaviors.
I think the people who are successful in recovery have put all of their energy and efforts towards living for their recovery. I see that with those who have been in recovery for years and years and still show up for their recovery. They don't just talk about what they should do or need to do, they actually do it and give it their all. They are open to advice and suggestion constantly. They follow advice and humble themselves to the fact that they are powerless to this disease, but they 100% have the power of their recovery, and they live accordingly.
Even though it sucks sometimes, I am still fighting like hell each and every day. I still fear my addiction and the fact that it is a relapse prone disease. I fight every day as if I am fighting for my life...because I literally am fighting for my life and getting my life back.
This can apply to any behavior that needs to change. Don't just talk about what needs to change and what you SHOULD do. You won't get very far. FIGHT for change and what you want. Give your entire life to that fight, starting with daily habits.
Anyway, just some thoughts this week as I have tried to figure out why some people make it and some don't. Complacency is my biggest enemy and the biggest enemy of every addict who has committed to a new life. Continually moving forward and being humble enough to recognize weaknesses and change them, no matter how hard it is or how much they don't want to.
Some Pics From A Couple Weeks Ago:
The women of FTR are some of the most amazing women I have ever had the chance to know. They lift me up and carry me on their backs when I don't know if I can move forward.
Erica and I needed to get out of town one weekend, so we went to Park City and had a girl's weekend. Erica has been a huge strength to me of recovery. I met her while I was in treatment and have looked up to her ever since!
Canyon's spa is BOSS!
I'm actually super stoked on beanie season and hittin the Bird!
While we were up there, we went to see Richie. Richie was in treatment with me and has been a constant support to me all year. He's crushing it!