Thursday, July 3, 2014

Move On

The past is over. The drama of constant drug abuse feels like a different world. The rock bottom weeks and days that lead to my rehab experience are now nothing but painful twinges in certain areas of my heart. The mind blowing rehab experience now feels like "the one time at summer camp" and no longer seems real. The friends I met in rehab are now all on their own paths and creating their own stories without me. The awkward months after rehab have passed, and now here I am 7 months sober. An accomplishment...right? But the thing is...I don't know where to go now. I don't have much to move on towards. I don't have a husband who has waiting to get his wife out of addiction's grasp. I don't have kids to live for. I don't have an exciting career that I can see in the close future. I don't have anything to live for and move towards. So, I remain stuck. I remain confident in the sobriety and recovery process and love sharing my experience to help others who struggle or may have struggled. I talk about my experience to keep the secrets on the outside. When the secrets of addiction ate my insides, thats when I was the sickest. That's when I felt like a fraud. When I finally decided to share my experience, I felt liberated and authentic. That was..until I was told by "my greatest supporter" that they didn't want to hear about it anymore. They didn't want to talk about the struggle that has been on the forefront of my mind the past 7 months. Sobriety has been something that has required almost every thought in order to stay on the straight and narrow. So when is it "too far past" to talk about struggles that are still an every day battle? Who gets to decide when it is no longer socially acceptable to talk about past issues. Who even gets to decide what is appropriate to share and not to share? Doesn't it depend on the individual and whether or not it helps or hurts them?

Honestly, at this point, I just want to give up. I don't see a hopeful destination. I don't see myself ever having the things in life that are socially required for a person to be happy. I don't see myself being anywhere but alone and lacking fulfillment in my life. I just can't see it. I try to stay upbeat and positive. I try to remember the destination to get through the journey. But for now, I am tired. And that's where I am going to stay for now. 

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