Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Addict.

As some of you have noticed, this past year of my life I have struggled tremendously. It has taken months for me to come to terms with the fact that I'm not invincible. I have issues, some major issues. I am an addict through and through. I believe the words "you have a severe addiction" have been told me to about 10 times in the past 24 hours. This past weekend, I literally died and came back to life. I experienced death. I literally visited heaven for a short time. It was terrifying. This is probably the most personal and scariest post I have ever shared. I share it for a couple of reasons. First, because I need support right now. I need to know the fight is worth it. Also, I always share in hopes that someone will connect with me and my struggles and feelings and gain something from it. A couple months ago, I wrote this letter to myself. I read it everyday for months. It saved me. I was never ready to share it until now. It is extremely personal and means a lot to me. I feel strongly that it is time to share it. I'm literally shaking as I hit the publish key. 

Here you go. 

The Addict.
An addict- a stranger, a prisoner, your neighbor, maybe even a friend or brother, but never you.
Never would you allow yourself to become so weak or so dumb that a simple craving or preference soon becomes something that takes it all. It takes things you cherish such as close friends, money, maybe even your job. Sure, those losses hurt and may even trigger further destructive behaviors, but that isn't the worst thing an addiction steals like a thief in the night.
So sneaky and swift, addiction takes over a life that once had so much promise and hope, but now has become completely unpredictable. Every minute spent alive is a minute of success when in the depths of addiction. Before you even have time to armor up and defend yourself against this powerful enemy disguised as an old friend, it is too late and too strong and so much has already gone wrong.
"Get treatment" they say, as if it is as simple as running your car through a car wash and quickly seeing change and results. You seek treatment in hope it will all go away. Sure, you are stronger and smarter than most- you should have no problem perfecting this weakness; but soon you learn it is strong and complicated and requires a deep belief that you matter and you are deserving of such change. This change is not just a one time, simple decision to change your behavior, but rather an act of courage every single minute of every single day to stay in control and not let the addiction to take over.
Sure, there will be setbacks and struggles. There will be about a dozen "rock bottoms". But eventually, they will be further apart, and you will get back up faster and with more knowledge with every fall. Every fall requires you to recommit and decide to make yourself a priority. Learning to truly believe you are worth it will surely be the longest and hardest battle of this addiction war.
An addict. No, you never thought you would ever be so dumb or so weak. Yet here you are with so many poor decisions and experiences you wish you could change but can't. So much is lost that you can never get back.
So why? What now? Now it is time to armor up and fight like hell. Fight for yourself and nobody else. For if you fight for others, you can never win. Fight because you matter. Fight because you have been chosen to have this experience to become who you are meant to become- a person more connected to God, more passionate, more sincere, more courageous, and most importantly, YOU! The girl who can change the world because of the year 2013, because she knows what it's like to go to hell and back. An addict? Yes. But more importantly- a soldier, a survivor, and a strengthened daughter of God.


  1. My Dearest Kelli,
    You have always been and still are one of my favorite people. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for your brave example and for your willingness to fight the fight. Please know if you ever need anything at anytime I am 10 minutes away. I am grateful for all the weak and dumb things I have done (and there have been BIG ones) because they have taught me not to judge others. But to have empathy.
    Love Always,
    Aunt Sue
    P.S. Keep blogging! I love hearing about your life, your loves, and your favorite shoes:).

  2. You are courage. You just are. One of my favorite movies is The count of Monte Cristo which is actually about revenge, but I decided to write to you, whatever I thought of first and this is what I thought of after reading your post.so at one key moment in the.movie, the main guy, Edmund Dante says this, "Life is a storm my young friend, you will bask in the sunlight one moment and be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome "Do your worst, for I will do mine" Then. The fates will know you as we know you.".......That is what you are doing. One thing I know FOR SURE is that one day YOU will help someone else. One day you will look someone dead in the eyes and say I GET IT! I GET YOU! So right now do one hour or.even one minute at a time. There is more.good in you than anything else. I am right on this one. Love you a lot. Joanna