Thursday, November 15, 2012

Confessions of an Insomniac

Every now and again I stray away from the “my life is so perfect and I am so happy” type of blog, and I blog about very raw and deep feelings. I know I am not the most eloquent writer or best at articulating feelings, but I try to connect with whomever reads this blog and show people that it’s okay to not have it all together and it’s okay to feel whatever you might feel. Vulnerability is something I am still learning to embrace, rather than run away from. This blog has many purposes, and one of the purposes is to connect with people. Relate to people. Show people who feel like they are struggling alone, that they aren’t alone at all. Everyone has their share of challenges and struggles, but we rarely ever know what someone is really going through.

I am only 23 years old. I am by no means an expert in life. The older I get, the more I realize that I don’t know. The more my weaknesses are revealed to me (which frustrates the crap out of me by the way).

I am young, but in my 23 years, I think I have experienced quite of bit of life’s challenges. I have experienced the death of a loved one, seen the affects of addictions on families and individuals, experienced heart break, been suicidal, been lonely, had depression, felt failure, felt loss, have seen glimpses of basically hell on earth, and there are times when I have wanted to just say “to hell with it all” and give up. I think we all have, even that person you have always thought had the perfect life and had it all together.

My junior year of high school was the worst year of my life. When I think about my struggles and challenges I am facing right now, they seem like “It’s a Small World” compared to the “Tower of Terror” that my junior year was. It was so bad that it actually took me about 5 years to accept the past for what it was and move forward. I will never be who I was 7 years ago, but that’s the point.

We struggle and have trials to learn. When I think about who I want to become and perhaps who I am supposed to become, the only way I know how to get there is through trials and struggles.  I came to this earth as a plain brick ready to be carved and molded and changed into the precise tool that God has intended me to become for him. I didn’t come to earth with all the answers, and I probably never will have all the answers, but I think the fact that I can recognize that the only way I can be who God wants me to be is through being tried and tested is at least a start.

We all have struggles, and whether they are big or small, I think there is something to be said about liberally loving your fellow man. There is enough crap going on in people’s lives without the added crap that is put on them by the lack of love they experience, perhaps even hate or rejection. Why are we so scared to openly and unconditionally love each other? Wouldn’t it be amazing if we all were told how much we mattered more often? I think sometimes we all get stuck in our own trials and struggles and somewhat have this mindset that nobody else is struggling but us, or at least not as bad as us. The actual truth is that we are all going through something, otherwise what is the point of this life?

Let’s love a little bit more. Let’s serve each other more. Let’s lighten someone’s burden a little bit by showing that we love and care about them. You never know who is watching you or when you might absentmindedly be the answer to someone’s desperate prayers. After my junior year, I finally got an answer. I was finally given a friend who literally saved my life. Without their unconditional love and acceptance, I am absolutely convinced I wouldn’t be alive today. They had no idea that they were an answer to my very desperate prayers. They probably never will. But ever since then, I have learned the importance of having people like that around. The importance of openly and unconditionally loving each other might be of life and death importance.

Tell people you love them more often. Better yet, show them that you do. 

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