It starts out with a trigger.
Sometimes so small and simple that it may be impossible to trace backwards. Maybe even just a stressful or a bad day; a stressful day that can send my addict brain into overdrive. The brain chemistry gets off balance and I begin a full sprint heading 90 miles per hour into the cold, hard, relapse wall.
The trigger then becomes something much more and pre contemplation starts to settle in. The days of using become glorified in my memory and maybe just one more time won’t hurt. One day of escape then turns into two and suddenly my brain is spinning. My brain is twirling around and around in a relapse tsunami and the negative self-talk takes me further down the one way path. A tsunami of dark thoughts and feelings begin to take me back into the shadows of my addiction past. Suddenly, it no longer becomes a means to escape a bad day, but rather a survival mechanism. The only way to survive now is to take more and more until I am back at the bottom.
The bottom. Such a familiar mine field, that I actually feel more comfortable here. If I am at the bottom, I can’t dig the hole any deeper. At the same time, the bottom isn’t the same well-worn cushion as it was a year ago. I don’t want to be here anymore, now that I have spent the last few months sunbathing in the sunlight of sobriety and recovery.
But, how to move forward? Where to go now? How do I climb back out of this well-dug hole? Move onward and upward. It’s the only way. I didn’t want any of this, yet here I am. Someone signed me up for this journey that has much more knowledge of my strength and power than I ever will. God gave me this weakness and struggle, not to punish me, but rather to carve and mold me.
Mold me into the person I am meant to become A perfect tool in the hands of my Creator is what I am capable of, and what indeed I will become. The full purpose may never be known, but the meaning is priceless. The meaning is something that has bought me humbly to my knees to thank my Creator for this opportunity to become stronger, better, and most of all…the woman who may save at least one life with my message of hope, understanding, peace, and strength. As hard as it may be at times, I am fully committed. I won’t let my Creator or myself down. Ever Again.