The past 365 days have been 100% the hardest days of my entire life. I experienced so many things that I never thought I would experience. There were days it was almost unbearable to even want to have the desire to simply exist. There were days were I felt completely hopeless and crushed by my challenges and struggles. There were days were I truly did not believe I was strong enough to even endure trials and struggles. There were days where I simply just put my foot down and gave up. I challenged God to make a me a believer again. I challenged those closest to me to continue to love me in spite of my challenges and shortcomings. To say the least, this past year didn't go quite as planned...at all.
But I learned HEAPS of wisdom I think is important to document:
- Love will always and forever be the answer. I can't even think about all of the love and support I have had this past year without getting choked up. People never gave up on me, even when I had completely given up on myself. Some days it was just a text from a close friend acknowledging me. Just to be reminded that I mattered was HUGE.
- Performance isn't everything. I have always tried to live this perfect little life and perform in order to gain self esteem and confidence. I could accomplish every single goal I set out to do, but was still empty inside. No performance that you do will ever change your inner voice. It starts with loving your unsuccessful, flawed self. That's when you can begin to live a full life without all of the trophies and championships and still go to bed feeling accomplished and content.
- I am not invincible. I am human and make mistakes just like everyone else. Just because I followed commandments and went to church growing up, God doesn't just give me a "pass" card from all of the crap that we have to go through on this earth. It just means that he knew I was capable of enduring more, and he would be able to shape me into exactly who he wanted me to come through the personal trials I have had.
- Also along those lines...God isn't Santa Clause. You aren't simply on the "Naughty" or "Nice" list and should expect blessings or curses based on your behaviors. He is not this magical man that comes and gives all of the good little children blessings for reading their scriptures. That's just not how it works. We read scriptures and pray, not to get presents from God, but to develop a personal relationship with someone who is more than willing to be our partner in life and hold our hands through difficult trials. He is my best friend, my dad, and my confident. I look to him for each and every decision. I don't simply believe he should give me more because I say prayers more.
- Be grateful. When things get tough, it is SO HARD to be grateful. But when you go through days of not being able to even get out of bed, it truly is a miracle just to be able to get out of the house one day. It is the small things that I have tried to be grateful for that make life worth living. For instance, I am very grateful for: my bluetooth, music, hoodies, snapchat, and delicious food. Those are the things that get put off to the side when you get really down in the dumps, but if you can pick out one small thing a day to be grateful for, you will be amazed at how much you really do have.
So there's my random rant about a few things I have learned about life this past year. I am a completely different person. I have become closer to God, become more compassionate, become a lot less judgmental, and most importantly...I have come to really know who I am and how to utilize my strengths and strengthen my weaknesses.
My New Theme This Year Is: FEARLESS