Lately, I have had a very heightened sense of self-awareness. I have become very aware of my strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, triggers, etc. While sometimes (like last night), I feel overwhelmed and like I am on a self-discovery all alone that nobody can really understand, a lot of my realizations are also very very cool.
Ghandi once said something along the lines of, "We will continue to struggle, until we finally wake up and become our true selves". This thought has caused me to realize that i have become a big piece of "should". I have become somebody who I feel will be accepted by the society and community that I am in, thus leaving my true self behind. I have lived my life based on false expectations I have created, rather than living a genuine life.
Some examples of being a should:
- I should be strong all the time, being vulnerable means you are weak. Crying means you are even weaker. Talking about any negative feelings is simply unacceptable and I should just get over them.
- I should be successful by the world's standards: graduate from college with honors, get a high paying job and work crazy hours day and night until I am successful, get the highest level of education that I can- even if I am not passionate about it. It's just what I should do.
- I should go to church, read scriptures daily, have a calling, and have a strong testimony all the time. This is the one and only way to be truly happy- and if I am not perfect at all of that, I am a failure.
- I should be successful and perfect at everything I do, and if I'm not, I'm once again a failure.
I think everyone to some degree walks around trying their best to show the world their "should" self, yet feeling somewhat empty or unfulfilled inside because they aren't being who they really are.
So what is my true self? While I am still learning, growing, and figuring out who that is, I have come up with a few things:
- I want to love and accept all people unconditionally.
- I want to serve and help as many people as I can.
- I run to have fun and relieve stress, not the be the best or to break records.
- I have so many imperfections and rarely do anything perfectly, but I am not a failure, I am just learning.
- I have a relationship with a God or Divine Being that is so much bigger than myself. This relationship is very personal and cannot be defined by the confines and structure of any religion.
- I want to be my best self, and that means being vulnerable and not trying to live a "should" life, but just being and loving my true self.
There you go, deep Sunday thoughts by Yours Truly.