Wednesday, October 29, 2014

One Year Ago- An Inside Job

To start- Turn on "Greater" by MercyMe

Pictures are worth 1000 words: 

 Exactly one year ago from now: No twinkle in my eyes whatsoever. Dead inside and not willing to reach out for help.

In my active addiction:

Constantly passed out, unengaged in life.

Down to 110 pounds from eating pills all day instead of food. 

Super unhealthy. Withering away.

Just Existing.

My Life in Recovery:

Doing the things I love

Surrounded by LOVE

Healthy and happy

Enjoying life

Surrounding myself with strong women in recovery

Going on climbing trips with people in recovery

A part of the recovery community, doing what I love, and staying healthy while sharing my recovery with others

Exactly one year ago, after a pretty traumatic relapse, my Therapist convinced me to go with her and my sister to a place called Turning Point and speak with the Admissions Director. We met with him and toured the facility. The whole time I was rude, distracted, and belligerent. I was hell bent on refusing to be locked up in a treatment facility. I didn't think my problem was "that bad" and I could fix it on my own without going to treatment. 

As I reflect on that, I can't help but think about the difference in the two paths. 

Where I would be without treatment: 
Likely Dead
Dealing with DUI or other drug charges
In Jail or Prison
Estranged from all family and friends
Out of a job
Dealing with severe health problems
Suicidal, Depressed, Anxious, and a bunch of other mental illnesses
Unhappy and empty inside
Spiritually Empty
No meaning or purpose in my life

Where I am Today: 
Going to school to become a counselor
An intern counselor at Turning Point
Have a great job at Chase Bank
Involved in an amazing community with Fit to Recover
Sharing my story and message (I interviewed with Channel 2 news tonight- stay tuned on the air date)
Engaged in healthy relationships
Continuing to learn more about my weakness and strengthening them
Close with my family
Living a life of purpose and meaning
No longer in chronic back and neck pain
Truly at peace and happy

What a contrast huh!? I am glad that God intervened in my life and brought me to my knees. This gave me the humility I needed to accept that I had an addiction and needed the proper treatment to put it into remission. 

One thing I want to always remember is that life will always get better. Change involves humility and self work. Without putting in the work, we can never expect change to happen in our lives. Happiness is an inside job. It doesn't come from anything on the outside or any amount of money or success like I had always believed. 

I believe the secret to engaging in a happy and peaceful life is humility. This is a trait that is unnatural to man. Luckily, I believe that since we are children of God and humility is a spiritual trait we can inherit through him. God will continually give his children the opportunities to become humble and submit to his plan for us through our trials and triumphs. He knows our potential and the more that we remember this, he will guide us as long as we remain humble and teachable in the trials that he gives us. Humility is a powerful driver in all change. 

Two years ago, I lived with blinders on. I didn't see the negative beliefs that were driving my self destructive behaviors- both addiction and other behaviors that were not serving me or my life. I didn't think I had any problems or issues that I couldn't change if I had enough will power. I just needed to be stronger. I didn't notice my weaknesses, because I wasn't open to them. Now, I am continually recognizing weaknesses that are causing me to live less than optimal. Once these weaknesses are brought into my awareness, I am now able to recognize the core issues that are driving them and work on those issues to change my behaviors. It has been truly amazing. This is all because I have been able to be humble enough to recognize that I am never going to be in a place where I won't need to be working on myself. 

It's crazy to see how far I have come as I have engaged in recovery and learned believe that I truly am worth it and deserve peace and happiness.


  1. Kelli
    This is truly beautiful. What a gift to be able to rejoice in health. Ours is a rare gift. We get a second chance and as I've been saying since the beginning, "From here on's all bonus." I am often amazed at the same things you have said. I just can't believe how blind I was to the Grace all around me. Now I can't go a day without seeing that Power sprinkled everywhere I look. My recovery brings with it a reverence and an awe which has not left me in these last 9 years. I pray it is the same for you my friend.

  2. I love this, having known you through it all, I can really see the difference, and It makes me so proud of you. Your amazing and I love you!

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