Monday, December 28, 2015

Tender Mercies

To say the last 3 months or so has been challenging would be the understatement of the year. The funny part is, 2 days before all crap hit the fan, I remember sitting on my parents back porch in complete peace. I remember thinking to myself, "I am finally at peace. The past 10 years have been a rollercoaster of insanity, but I am finally at peace. I love my family. I love my job. I love my relationships. I love recovery. I love God. I know it's not always going to be this way, but right now, I am completely at peace."

Then 2 days later...BAM. 

I keep thinking how in the world did my life turn upside down so quickly? Within 1 month, EVERYTHING changed.

However, today I couldn't help but think about all of the tender mercies that have taken place during the hardest of times. 

On November 5th, Chase and I parted ways. Obviously it was not by my choice. I don't think it was fair or justified at all. But, it happened. I knew it might be coming for about 2 weeks before I actually left. Those two weeks were miserable. By the time November 5th came, I was completely in victim mode. It didn't make sense. It wasn't fair. It wasn't my fault or in my control. I lost it. That day, I relapsed. I justified it by saying that I just needed to check out for the day and it wouldn't get bad. Lies. The voice of my addiction is so sneaky. Luckily, that day I flew out to Seattle and got away with my friends for the weekend and didn't continue to use. Then I got back and reality settled in. I was a mess inside, but I didn't want anyone to know that I was struggling. Instead, I acted like I was completely fine and excited to move forward. I kept saying "this is happening for a reason", even though inside I was feeling a deep loss and sadness over all of this. The disconnect from how I was feeling and what I was saying is what took me down and took me down hard. I stayed sober for about a week. Then, I snapped. And when I say I snapped, I snapped hard. 

I won't go into detail about my relapse, but let's just say I started using on a Tuesday, and woke up in detox on a Friday. I got myself into some scary situations. I should be dead to say the least. After I got out of detox, I made the decision to go back into Day Treatment for stabilization of 2 weeks- this was the first treatment I chose to do on my own and wasn't talked into. Well 2 weeks turned into 4 weeks. I finished up Day Treatment on December 23 when I was 30 days out of detox. It was tough. It was the hardest round of treatment out of the 3 I have done. I worked my butt off. I worked hard on being honest with myself and vulnerable. I took things very seriously, because my relapse was very serious. 

Today, I started my first day at my new bank- US Bank. 

So through all of this hell, there were so many tender mercies that I am grateful for: 

1. The day I left Chase, I already had offers from Wells Fargo and US Bank. Also another offer from another company not related to mortgage. I never had to go through the stress of applying and interviewing for a new job. 

2. I had enough savings to take a break through the holidays. 

3. I asked for a start date of December 28th, which worked out really well since I wound up needing to go to treatment for a month. 

4. I didn't die. 

5. My close friend pulled me out of the scary situation that I got myself into and took me to detox. Possibly saved my life. 

6. My close friends and family loved and supported me through all of the struggle and hardship. They loved me through it. 

7. I was able to get treatment immediately when I needed it and stay as long as I needed and as long as it took. 

8. I have 2 renters to help pay my mortgage and utility bills. 

9. My Seattle trip took me out of my immediate relapse and was a perfect distraction during my most intense emotions. 

10. My God has shown more love, empathy, compassion, and guidance than I ever knew was possible. 

While my hope two years ago was that I would get out of treatment, be cured, and have the ability to help others who were struggling, that just isn't my reality or my process. My process has been what it has been because it was what I needed. I feel like I hit rock bottom and then just kept on digging. My life the past 3 years was definitely not in the plans. It wasn't how my life was supposed to go. It wasn't what I wanted, but it was definitely what I needed. I never want to live the past three years again. But, I am glad I lived them. The two main things the past 3 years have shown me is that 1. I am very resilient and there is strength in continuing to get back up and keep fighting against this disease. 2. God loves me, knows me, and will never give up on me. 

While things don't happen like we hope them to, there will still be reasons to be grateful and take note of the tender mercies that we receive along the way. 

Now, I am ready for a new beginning to a new journey. 

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