Lately, I have caught myself thinking a lot about what lead me down the path of self destruction and addiction. I think of the multiple times that I attempted to live in sobriety and why I could never be successful until now.
I think it boils down to this: everything that we think, say, or do is either FEAR based or FAITH based. It's pretty clear cut.
In my opinion, the last ten years of my life I have been living fear based. I had so much fear that I wouldn't be successful. I feared I wouldn't be loved. I feared I wouldn't be good enough. And more than anything, I feared that I would fail and not be perfect. That fear had a place in my life. It drove me to do a lot of things to be successful and better every chance that I got. But once I was able to achieve one thing, I felt empty still. I still lived in that fear and it became my obsession. The drugs helped to curb that fear. They helped me to not have a break down on a daily basis due to the high amounts of fear. But then I got into a cycle of wanting to me sober. To be sober, I lived in fear that I would relapse. I was always secretly scared of how strong my addiction was and how it ultimately would kill me in the end.
I have decided that this life based on fear is not any way to live life. When I got out of treatment, I lived my life completely by faith. I believe that I can be successful at what ever I choose to be successful about. I believe I can run again and I will enjoy it more running based on faith that I know I am capable, rather than in fear that I won't be good enough.
A faith based recovery looks much different than a fear based recovery. Faith in recovery means that I know that I am capable and I have faith in my program and support. I know I can make it and the second any type of fear enters into my mind, I am on a slippery slope.
So much energy is spent living in fear. Wouldn't it be so cool if more people lived a faith based life? I think of everyone that has overcome an addiction and I believe this is key. Even if you don't have an addiction, maybe you are in a relationship because you are living in fear of being alone. That's no way to have a relationship. That relationship will fail. Relationships NEED faith in yourself and in the other person in the relationship to work.
I don't really know if I got my thoughts out very clear, but I am making a commitment to check myself in different situations and direct myself to think and act FAITH based, rather than FEAR based. It gives me freedom. It gives me hope. And more than anything, it gives me a new life.
I am going to make this change and I challenge you all to make one decision to live some part of your life FAITH based that you may be living FEAR based right now. Just try it. See how much better it feels to hang on to that faith and belief in who you are and what you are capable of.
Life is Good. I am almost 150 days sober and I really do attribute my success to the faith I have in myself and my treatment.